addiction, Infidelity, Love, Recovery

As her heart whispers, Never leave…

Maybe we all know the very best things we can do for ourselves. The amount of sleep that we need, the proper amount of exercise we should get, the number of servings of fruits and vegetables we should consume. Our minds are rational, practical things.

Not so much our hearts. Our hearts crave the unreachable. The toxic. The unthinkable. Our hearts are spontaneous, erratic, and lack any shred of common sense. Um, or maybe that’s just me. :)

I’ve had lapses. Days that I’ve done the wrong things. And days that I so really want to. Thus this letter to myself. Here…read it. Publish it for the entire world. Admit that you are fallible. No one here will judge you. No worse, anyway, than you judge yourself.

Dear self,

It is over and most of the time you feel better because of it. No more unreturned texts, no degrading pictures, no waiting, no wishing for something you can’t have. Reality…it wasn’t a healthy relationship and he couldn’t be what you need. He was selfish and vindictive and he didn’t care about you nearly as much as you cared about him. You survived on crumbs. Small handouts to keep you there. You deserve better.

You may think it’s ok to revisit that place on a day you feel lonely or sad. You may think one peek at what he’s doing, one message to see how he is, one more try to get him to love you. Once won’t hurt.

Wrong. It hurts EVERY SINGLE TIME. Every picture, every word he writes, every post he likes on Facebook, everything he says to you. Every new beginning is followed by a hurtful and horrible ending. It leaves you feeling angsty, bereft, and confused.

If he loved you, wanted you, valued you, he would come to you. He would be a grown up and use his words. Or at the very least, his actions would speak for themselves.

If it was meant to be…if you truly belonged together…god would place you in each other’s path. It would happen on its own. Fate cannot be forced.

There is no reason to say that one last thing. You’ve said it all. Told him what an ass he was, told him you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, told him exactly how you felt…the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you even said goodbye with a good measure of dignity and grace. Let him go.

Maybe it won’t work out with Chris. Maybe he will never forgive you. Maybe he will start drinking again. Maybe he will die young. That doesn’t mean you should go back to T. Not ever. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved and respected and wanted for WHO YOU ARE, not just for sex. You deserve to be valued and pursued. You deserve someone who falls all over themselves doing their best to love YOU.

Put away your phone, your computer and this iPad. Organize something. Clean something. Work in your garden. Take a walk. Go shopping. Get a pedicure. Snuggle under a blanket with a book and some tea. Have lunch with a friend. Watch a chick flick. Eat something you shouldn’t. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Walk away and be happy. :)

Love,

Me.

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